When one discovers or realizes that some aspect of their life is constructed, not given, there can be a feeling similar to the child’s when he finds out that there is no Santa Claus--disenchantment. For example, reading Denis de Rougement’s Love in the Western World was illuminating for me because it demonstrated how constructed our culture’s views of romantic love are, by revealing the history behind it, but also somewhat disenchanting in revealing how constructed certain aspects of the experience of romantic love are. When one considers the many other manifestations of romantic/sexual love in other cultures and other time periods, it becomes more and more difficult to consider one’s own system necessarily the “natural" way to proceed in matters of romantic love. Instead, one is able to reevaluate one’s assumptions about romantic love (for our assumptions contribute to our constructions), see through the mythology that we have adopted, and approach the particular relationship with new eyes. Mythology is useful--it can provide meaning for individuals and societies, as Joseph Campbell tirelessly emphasized--but it has its limitations, especially when it is taken as literal truth.
For when you notice something that has been constructed, you are free to leave it as it is, or to restructure it. And this is possible with emotional habits, prejudices, belief systems, neuroses, even entire states of consciousness.
Step back. When you realize you are wearing glasses, you can choose to put them on or take them off, at will. And you can take them off and admire them, for the complexity and intricacy of the particular structure. They become just another object, and cease to be the (unconscious) subject.
We are responsible for the structures in our subjective worlds, even though many of them were created in our pre-rational years and influenced by forces outside of our control, like our parents and cultures. But at a certain point of maturity we must accept responsibility for who we are, the lenses we see through, and the structures we may be unaware of, but that may be stifling our life and hurting other people.
For when you notice something that has been constructed, you are free to leave it as it is, or to restructure it. And this is possible with emotional habits, prejudices, belief systems, neuroses, even entire states of consciousness.
Step back. When you realize you are wearing glasses, you can choose to put them on or take them off, at will. And you can take them off and admire them, for the complexity and intricacy of the particular structure. They become just another object, and cease to be the (unconscious) subject.
We are responsible for the structures in our subjective worlds, even though many of them were created in our pre-rational years and influenced by forces outside of our control, like our parents and cultures. But at a certain point of maturity we must accept responsibility for who we are, the lenses we see through, and the structures we may be unaware of, but that may be stifling our life and hurting other people.
Returning to the experience of “falling in love”: this experience has been built up for several hundred years (its origins are placed around the 12th century) in Western culture. But one of its crucial elements is the hide-and-seek we play ourselves in order to allow this experience in our lives. Although we may not want to admit it, we make ourselves fall in love—not simply in the moment (for it is part and parcel of the mythology that it happens in a moment, although it may be led up to: “I think I’m falling in love with you”) but as a result of a series of assumptions and decisions we have made long before that moment. The young girl reads, watches, listens to stories culled from the mythology we have created: the princess and her Prince Charming; romantic comedies and novels. Even some boys, usually later, take an interest in the mythology and begin placing the structures in place, “setting up” for the experience. What are these structures? Specific images of ideal lovers form, fantasies are created, expectations are formed.
But the hide-and-seek is that we don’t notice ourselves making these subtle choices and distinctions over the years, so that we enable ourselves to perceive the process, if it happens, as “falling.” We hide from ourselves so that we can find something we have wanted for a long time. There is nothing inherently problematic with this, as this hide-and-seek process manifests at self at many different levels of life (and according to Hindu tradition is the very nature of the universe), but it can be useful to become aware of the process.
NOTE (6/27/12): Although I do still see value in de Rougement's pointing out the sociocultural construction of one particular form of Romantic love, upon further thinking I would like to also acknowledge the deeper, cross-cultural aspects of romantic love which seem to be more universal in the history of human beings. While there are certain "surface" features of the European traditions of romantic love that are unique and socially constructed, there are other aspects to this fundamental human relationship that cannot be accounted for in terms of social constructionism.
NOTE (6/27/12): Although I do still see value in de Rougement's pointing out the sociocultural construction of one particular form of Romantic love, upon further thinking I would like to also acknowledge the deeper, cross-cultural aspects of romantic love which seem to be more universal in the history of human beings. While there are certain "surface" features of the European traditions of romantic love that are unique and socially constructed, there are other aspects to this fundamental human relationship that cannot be accounted for in terms of social constructionism.
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